Every time I have thought I’ve been in love it tastes different.
It tastes like cheap whiskey,
That flavor I love so much, but with a bitter aftertaste.
It tastes like ashtrays and flavored vodka.
Because it’s never really felt right.
They’ve all been variations of each other,
And all very childish forms of love.
The first was rebellious, and taught me I was more adventurous than I originally believed.
The second was traditional and tame, and taught me that I am not.
The third was manipulative, and taught me that the more I feel chained, the more I will fight back.
The fourth was kind and quiet, and taught me that I crave fire.
I’ve never felt free while in love.
I’ve always felt like I needed to play a role,
But the more comfortable I become with someone, the less I am able to restrict myself.
Holding back my real self doesn’t really sound like love,
So, to be completely honest,
I’m not sure I’ve ever truly been in love.
I’m not entirely sure I’ve ever been loved in the way that everyone writes about.
That great love.
They love parts of me,
They pick and choose like my personality is some buffet.
And when I reveal a part that they didn’t select,
They start playing offense,
Trying to take me down a notch,
Trying to keep me in line.
And as I learned the third time around,
The more I feel controlled, the more fire I will breathe,
And I will burn your life to the ground if you try to chain me to it.
So although I count four men,
No – boys,
Maybe I haven’t been in love at all.
But that’s okay.
I’ll just keep my fire burning,
Keep expanding my boundaries,
Keep climbing mountains,
And loving with all of my heart,
And maybe someday I’ll meet someone who sees a woman who breathes fire and thinks,
Where have you been all my life?
Because I want a love that tastes like rich coffee and fresh rain,
Something that doesn’t leave a bitter taste in my mouth.
I want a love that gives me butterflies and keeps me on my toes,
That makes me laugh so hard my stomach hurts.
I want a love that is empowering and supportive,
Two separate lives that choose to build a life together.
I want a love that can breathe fire, too.