Rain is my second favorite scent.

I love severe weather. I think it puts us in our place as human beings. We’re too cocky of a species. We think we’ve removed ourselves from the food chain and everything that exists on the planet is for our taking. Weather does a good job of reminding us how minuscule we are.

Insanely powerful storms leave us trembling in closets or basements. Torrential downpours flood our streets and land. Straight line winds uproot giant trees and blow roofs off houses. Frigid ice storms forbid us from leaving our homes. I love it. After all, as I wrote last time, I’m a big fan of finding the magic in reality.

Rain is probably my favorite. I am a double water sign, after all. Pisces sun, Scorpio moon. Two of the most intuitive and powerful water signs. Water connects me to something else. I wish I could explain it, although if I could, you would all probably think I was insane. Perhaps I am. I’ve always felt connected to something higher. Not necessarily God, but… something.

I’m not a religious person. I’ve had a bad taste in my mouth for organized religion since I was a child. But there’s something about nature and energy that I can get behind. Severe storms always recharge me in a weird way, and they always seem to come around when I need the energy.

My world turned upside down when I finished school. I’ve been running this insane marathon and I finally finished. I’m job hunting, but I’m quickly learning that my degree means a lot less than most middle aged adults led me to believe. I feel that I no longer have a place. A purpose. I’m not depressed, I’m just a little lost. Getting back in a gym has helped a little, although I’m wildly disappointed by how much strength I’ve lost over the years. It’ll come back. It’s just hard to remember the weights that I used to be able to bench and squat and I can’t even come close to that right now.  Also my arms feel like they could just melt off my body.

I don’t really know where I’m going with this. I just stood outside and watched the storm for a few minutes and felt like writing, but I don’t really have anything specific to write about because I spend most of my days alone.  It’s not a bad thing. I’d rather have a small circle that I can depend on than countless friends that don’t care for me much. I learned that lesson awhile ago.

Anyway, listening to this storm is like listening to a lullaby for me, so I’m going to lay in bed and cuddle my dog (who is deathly afraid of thunder) and doze off. Hopefully tomorrow I’ll have something more interesting to write about.

Calm before the storm.

I went on a hike today with a friend I met in a class this past semester and one of his friends. We got out of town a bit and got lost among trails and creeks.  Pretty early on we abandoned even following an official trail, and jumped into the rocky creek and explored.  It was one of the best mornings I’ve had in a long time.  Or ever, really.  I’m still exhausted from the almost three hour adventure.

I’ve always loved going on runs through parks or walking Dallas and just zoning out to my music, but there was something about today.  Out there in the boonies, with no cell signal, no headphones, just me and a couple of friends, my anxiety was silenced.  I felt so comfortable with myself, and the beauty of the area actually took my breath away.

There was a moment though, between climbing through teetering creek rocks, and when we decided that a tree was a good bridge to cross some water, there was a period where two of us sat, and the other skipped rocks, and it was just… quiet.

It was raining. Not hard, but still precipitating.  Somehow, even sitting in the open, we didn’t get totally soaked. The surrounding trees shaded us enough.  But you could hear the birds, the rain on the leaves of the trees, C skipping rocks, and it was the most peaceful period of time I’ve ever experienced.  Nobody was talking. We were all just there, in the moment.

And in that moment, I felt calm. I am not someone who ever feels calm.  I am an extremely Type A personality that likes routines and schedules and has a hard time doing nothing without panicking about other things that need to be done.  I’m wound pretty tight. It’s not great, and I’m working on it. I’m a lot better than I used to be. But I felt so calm then, and really the whole time I was with them I felt like that. I felt calm and accepted and content. Minus the few minutes of me walking across a fallen tree to get across water and praying I wouldn’t fall, because my phone was definitely in my pocket. (Somehow I didn’t fall, and I’m still insanely proud of myself for managing to do that.) 

But being out there, I forgot about everything. I forgot about how I just quit my crappy retail job for the sake of my sanity.  I forgot about how, despite countless applications to real jobs, I haven’t received any phone calls for interviews.  I forgot about all the family I have coming into town for my graduation.  I forgot I was even graduating on Saturday.

I was just out in the woods, with wet shoes and a couple of super chill guys, living in the moment.

I honestly could have stayed out there forever.

The drive back into town slowly brought me back to reality, and as soon as I got back into my own car, my mind immediately filled with everything I need to do over the next couple of days.

I think I need to go on hikes more often.